Voluntarily Captive
Women have always been disadvantaged by the institution of marriage.
Commitment to marriage, a crucial yet ignored topic. Thinking of marriage historically, women were treated like objects, they were not given rights, affecting them as a whole, both emotionally and physically. The capability once lost, never regained for centuries and the only purpose for women to exist was to; find a good man, get married and nurture children. The so-called “perfect lady”.
Owned like a house pet, chained to rules and regulations, drowning them deeper, days on end. Marriage? A trap or a goal?
In the past, women were forced into marriage for economic security. In a world where the “welfare state” did not exist, a woman’s best chance at survival was to marry, and to marry well. But as soon as a woman gets married, her rights, independence and even identity - all snatched away in an instant - were surpassed by the will of her husband, who became her legal guardian in every way.
The duties of women were confined to the domestic space: raising children, taking care of household affairs and grooming their young daughters to find husbands. Ask yourself, is this the world you would want to live in? A world where you have just one particular purpose? Society saw happiness in marriage, while women saw pain and regret.
The vast majority of victims of forced marriage are women and girls. Those who rebelled were disowned, rejected, or kicked out of the house by their family, parents saw marriage as an opportunity to wealth and good health, while their daughters saw it as a life or death game, where the only chance of survival was to agree to everything their parents put them up to. They were also the subject of abuse to their husbands, this involved emotional, economic and sexual abuse. In extreme cases, those who rejected forced marriage were murdered. Every year, 12 million girls are forced into marriage without their consent.
Researchers from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health surveyed 400 women in 40 sites in Myanmar and China, estimating more than 7,400 women and girls were victims of forced marriage in the area and more than 5,000 were forced to bear children for their husbands.
Yes, that is the sad reality of our past.
She was treated like a servant, no rights, whatsoever. “Private property”, that's what she was called, owned by men like household goods. This was called “equality”.
The idea of love marriage is still considered taboo in many parts of the world as it is relatively recent. The possibility of marriage reaching beyond social status and financial security. Therefore, it may not be of surprise that women have choices when it comes to marriage, they have much to lose when they marry.
Recent studies show that women are far more likely to initiate divorce compared to men when offered with the choice to do so. In Australia, US and England, research has shown that women are behind roughly 70 per cent of all divorce proceedings. The reasons are subject to circumstances however it is interesting that with the introduction of no-fault divorce in 1975, it was women who began leaving.
Women do not need a significant other to define their worth, they do not need a marriage to define their social status. Research has shown that after divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than men. The reasons for this are that; women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.
Furthermore, the new generation has a different mindset, they do not follow the same customs and traditions as people previously did. This is evident because we are aware of the two types of marriages; love and arranged, but a new norm has now surfaced into society, known as ‘cohabitation’. Without getting married the couple are able to live together, hence making married life unpredictable.
To gain a deeper understanding of why people marry, we interviewed the 32 year old Mary Irving; a certified marriage counselor and couples therapist at the LifeWorks Holistic Counselling Centre.
Why do you think people get married?
“A plethora of reasons, really; religion, expectations, green cards, commitment. It differs from situation to situation but in my personal experience, I married because I loved my boyfriend. We had been together for a while already - around four years or so? - we were in it for the long run for sure so we decided to take it to the next level”.
Do you think that every woman should marry?
“Well, it’s an unmatchable experience. You’ll see new sides of your partner, both good and bad, as well as having to rediscover yourself as you mold your routine alongside someone who isn't related to you. It’s scary for sure and isn't for everyone - especially those with commitment issues, and there's always a chance for the love to wither away so communication is key. Regardless of the outcome, people should get married for themselves. If they believe that it would be good for them, then it's their choice. Marriages shouldn’t be born out of necessity”.
What are your thoughts on marriage?
“Being a married woman myself and having more than 4 years of experience in my field of work, I’ve come across a multitude of different marriages; failed and going strong. Marriage is a societal construct. It isn’t something that's a prerequisite for a happy life - rather maybe a catalyst? As in it's technically not needed but it’s existence is appreciated”.
Looking at it from a different point of view, a lot of women would agree that marriage is just a phase in life and not a “goal” that should be pursued and looked forward to from the beginning of time. If a woman finds that her life is in need of a partner to make her feel happy, then she will get married. However, a lot of women, even in these modern times get forced into the institution of marriage and do not have a say on the matter themselves. When in reality, the parents are not the ones who bear the brunt of forced marriages, it is the woman who has to carry this burden all her life.
The idea of depending on your husband for everything is old fashioned and, in our opinion, is all a façade. We wish to please our in -laws and keep our husbands happy but, in the process, we lose our identity. We feel that our life starts with our husband and kids and ends there. But that is not the case at all. Successful women such as Lady Gaga, Jennifer Aniston and Oprah Winfrey, never felt the need to share their life, and even if they did at some point in their lives, they put THEIR HAPPINESS first and decided that they were “complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We don’t need to be married or mothers to be complete. We get to determine our own ‘happily ever after’ for ourselves”, as Jennifer Aniston once wrote in an essay, “For the Record”.
To conclude; Marriage is the union of two people, it is an institution based on the alliance between two unequal partners. Usually, it requires the husband to be dominant and have all the economic control, in other words controlling everything in general whereas the wife dances to her husband's tunes.
As time passes, couples will continue to redefine the concept of marriage to suit their own needs and personalities. Believe it or not but soon enough couples will go beyond the stereotypical mindset of a ‘perfect marriage’.
Don’t get us wrong here, we’re not saying that marriage is the goal of womanhood, just like subject choices, marriage should be optional. It should not be termed as a ‘goal’ of womanhood, rather it should be termed as a side quest, much like a character in a game should focus on the main story.
We should not divert from our main goals in life, whether that is career oriented or simply the fact that some might not want to get married. We do this to be happy; to be content with ourselves and achieve a sense of satisfaction that is gratifying at the end of the day.
As independent women of the 21st century, we get to create our own happiness. Marrying someone will only add to your existing happy world.